Since I met her…

August 4, 2018

As I sit here in my living room, typing on the same keyboard, sitting on the same couch, with the same dog glued to my hip, it is amazing to me all that has remained the same during a time in my life where everything is so incredibly different. It was a month and 9 days ago that I gave birth to my greatest teacher, a month and 9 days ago when the world stopped on its axis as I was chosen to be this beautiful little girls mother. A month and 9 days ago, I met my greatest love of all.

Since that day I have been walking around with a smoldering fire in my chest, reminiscent of that delicious warmth that rushes over you when you take a healthy sip of a dry red wine (oh how I missed you!). This fire I do believe is burning for a very real purpose, and that is to burn away all of the misconceptions that I had about myself for all of the years before I became a Mother; before I was so vulnerably in love that I didn’t have a choice but to be honest. It wasn’t until I met my own daughter that I understood how sacred the relationship between a Mother and Daughter is, and how it is all rooted in a tremendous transparency. She can and will always be able to read me and my stories with a single glance or reading of my energy, so it is no longer a goal but a responsibility of mine to be sure that those stories are ones of hope, courage, and bravery so that she knows that she is worthy of that same belief in herself.

My daughter, Ellie Kay Kelly, my purpose, her essence has been a gift greater than I can every express. Being in her divine presence has helped me reconnect to my own divine feminine side that I had abandoned so long ago. The side of me that was soft and malleable, that was nurturing and self-serving. I have been the “tough funny girl” for so long, that I forgot what it felt like to have a rounded edge, to be sensitive, and to celebrate those happy tears that invite questioning and an opening of my soul to the world around me.

Ellie has effectively cracked me wide-open, and she has exposed all of those empty spaces within me. She will not however fill those up, I will not allow it. For it is not her responsibility to do so, and it would only set her up for a life of unjust expectations, “Mommy is feeling down, how can you serve me?”. No, that is just not fair, that is cheating, but I would be lying if I said it wasn’t tempting to allow her to do so. She is not the answer, she is the inspiration in every sense of the word. She takes my breath away, allowing me to have a greater appreciation for life’s “deep breath” moments. Also naps, since meeting Ellie I have a far greater appreciation for those as well.

So now that I am witnessing all of these cracks and empty spaces; there is work to be done, mediation to be sat in, truth to be spoken, and wounds to be healed. There are things that I am noticing on a daily basis that “hook me” and stories that I create around them, to no fault of those affiliated with said stories. It is my job to figure out where that is really coming from. For example, “why am I having the urge to correct the person who commented on a picture of her, assuming her bottle was filled with formula rather than breastmilk?” “Why is that looping in my head and standing out as a trigger?” Is it because I have already began to place my inherent worthiness on all of the “things I am doing” for my child, rather than on who I am as an individual? Is it because I am validating the time I spend feeding and pumping as time I do not have for myself or my craft, and I can therefor sleep easier knowing that I simply don’t have the time because it all belongs to her now? The answer to both of those scenarios: YES. The following statement however is much more powerful than those: I am enough. I am enough just how I am right now. I am enough as I sit in the clothes I wore to bed last night, I am enough as I make an effort to write a blog that I have been punishing myself for not already having written, I am enough because I have always been and I will always be enough, and it is my job to start believing that sentiment, because lord knows that I never want my daughter to believe otherwise about herself.

So this is where my new journey begins. With every early morning that too quickly turns into the night, I will continuously be challenged by the same things that challenged me one month and 10 days ago, but I will be doing so with a greater passion. I will be doing so with the strength that comes with meeting your greatest teacher, and with the vulnerability that comes along with that depth of love.

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