This past Sunday, I stayed home. I could have been at the Labor Day pool party at my cousin’s house; a party that I had been looking forward to for weeks, but instead I chose to stay on my couch, and I’m pretty sure it was the best decision I have made in years. I honestly believe, that choice to stay home, will be the choice that I reflect on when I want to remember what it feels like to…
Dear Beth at Trader Joe’s…
August 19, 2019
Dear Beth at Trader Joe’s, I am writing you this letter to say thank you… for the 89th time. I know that I repeatedly apologized and thanked you in the parking lot today, when the groceries you were helping me load into my van spilled out into the parking lot, but I just wanted to be sure that you really understood just how thankful I am. What you saw, were containers of produce scattered on the pavement, but what wasn’t…
Fear Itself
August 6, 2019
Lately I have been seeing a lot of people on social media saying “I shouldn’t have to be afraid to take my child into Wal-Mart, Target, school…” that in this country we should feel safe to check things off of our to-do lists without fear of being shot and killed by an assault rifle, and I couldn’t agree more. However, I cannot ignore the voice in my head that is thankfully getting louder by the day, a voice that is…
On October 3rd, I wear my trauma
October 12, 2018I remember the weather that day, it was warm and overcast and drizzling. The sky was a muddy shade of gray from the time the sun came up. My stomach felt hollow and I had to remind myself to take deep breaths all day to keep myself from passing out. I wandered around the house aimlessly, convinced I was going to lose my fucking mind before I had to leave for this appointment. Mike was going to meet me there.…
Are you a magician?
August 4, 2018
For as long as I can remember, I have been down right envious of anyone who had a clear vision of what they wanted to do with their life. Whether that was career oriented, or if it was just knowing what routines and processes worked for them. I would listen, slack-jawed at people who could answer questions like “so what are you going to do after you graduate?” or “what do you do for fun?” or “what is a habit…
Hold back the river…
August 4, 2018
It wasn’t too long ago that I read the words of wiser mothers who pleaded “hold your babies as long as you can, one day you will wake up and they will have outgrown your arms”. I had no doubt that they were speaking from a place of heartbreaking honesty, but at the time, I was reading them with a baby swaddled in my arms. A baby who seemed to be attached to my breast or my hip at all…
The Fire-fighter that nobody called…
August 4, 2018
It was January of last year when I had a huge ah-ha moment. In fact it was January 6, 2017 at around 6:30 am… which happens to be my husband’s birthday. I was sitting on the couch eating my breakfast, while Mike was busy getting ready for work, and he wasn’t particularly in a good mood. He wasn’t miserable either, but he was what I like to call “not happy enough to make me comfortable”. I gently asked him “Hey…