This concept, though not new by any means, is one that I have continuously relearned throughout my ‘adult life’, and that is—none of us really know what we are doing. My most recent run in with this concept, came amidst a “nesting moment”, when I was elbow deep in the junk drawer of my bedroom dresser. I have been eager to purge just about everything from my house lately, and lets just say this formidable catch-all of “memories” and old makeup, has had it coming for about five years now. I have half-heartedly tried to clean said junk-drawer in the past, but my emotions would take over when I would see those old movie stubs, dead batteries, and broken eye-shadows, and I simply could not bring myself to let them go. Thankfully this time around I was armed with a feverish supply of hormones that were all simultaneously chanting “hell no, it all must go!” and I was on a solid run of dumping when I came across a large bundle of papers, covered in old bronzer and shimmery eye shadow. Thankfully I took a second to unfold the papers before tossing them in the garbage, because among them were—marriage documents, my massage therapy license, and my passport! Like, what the hell!? How on earth did this junk drawer turn into the keeper of all important documents, and when did I carelessly toss these important documents into this rabbit hole? I immediately had a flash of what Mike’s face would look like if he was here for this discovery –eyebrows hitting the top of his forehead, eyes slightly rolled back in his skull, and the ever present slow head shake from left to right–. I would normally follow this daydream with a make believe conversation to state my case, and most likely rationalize my carelessness, but not this time; there was still more work to be done, and honestly, how could I make a case for this?
Later in the day, I was texting with my girlfriend Tara, and we got on the topic of my recent baby shower, and how wonderfully overwhelming it was to have received so many gifts a few days prior. I told her that I had been walking past the huge pile of gifts in my dining room for 3 days now, waiting for my Mom, or some other responsible adult to come and take care of this for me. I was half joking (because I knew my sister was coming to help me do exactly that), but there was a real part of me that felt like a fraud every time I walked past that mountain of baby gear. I mean, there is no way this was all for a baby that I would be responsible for, I mean, I barely know how to take care of myself some days. I shared this with Tara, and I then followed it up with my earlier experience of finding my most important paperwork in my “junk drawer”, and how I couldn’t understand how I was supposed to be considered an adult, this cannot be what adulthood looks like. Thankfully I am at a point in my life where the people I share my stories with, are authentic and supportive, because she responded with exactly what I needed to hear, saying “Honestly, its pretty frightening to think that pretty much everyone is walking around thinking the same thing!” I laughed and followed up with , “that is the one unifying truth- none of us have any idea what we are doing”. And that brought me so much comfort. Not in the “misery loves company” kind of way, but in the reality of knowing that we are all students of this life, and at one point everyone was the new kid in class.
It is amazing to me, to think that at one point my parents were in the same situation that Mike and I are in right now. Full of nervous energy, anxious to see what this little life inside of you looks like, and who they will become. All the while having absolutely no idea what you will look like as a parent. How would you handle the hard times, what answers would you give to those tough questions, would your child have to recover from their childhood because of the choices you made when you were still in the “I don’t know what I am doing” phase. It is a lot, to say the least. But ya know what, they did it, and they did a hell of a job if I do say so myself. But that’s always the case with these unanswerable questions, they overwhelm us because they have not happened yet, and they convince us that we must formulate a plot to better prepare ourselves. But that will only take you further away from the present moment, which is exactly where you need to be, because it is the only place that truly exists. It is a constant push and pull, a battle between living for the soul and the Ego. And all I know for certain is that it is my responsibility to set my soul’s intention, and not my Ego’s 5 year plan. Wrapped in that intention is compassion and forgiveness for myself, understanding that I will not always know the right answers, but trusting that my unconditional love will always be more valuable than words. In those trying times, I intend to never forget that I am not alone in raising this baby, I have my husband, and I have my village, and I know that they are just as important in this process as I am. I will stay awake and aware that my vibe attracts my tribe, and therefor always know that I am surrounded by those who I attract based on my souls intentions. This new phase of life is dynamic and complex, because it is no longer a phase that consists of only my story, but “our” story. And for the first time in my life, I am not allowing myself to skip ahead a couple chapters to sneak a peak at what is about to unfold. I am deep within this mystery, and it can be scary at times, but at least I know I am fully alive.
So I will end this blog by saying this: go easy on yourself, this is your first go round in this life, and the only difference between you and the successful person you are comparing yourself to, is the larger sum of mistakes they have made, getting to the place they are now. A place of better understanding. But trust me, none of us really know what we are doing, and that is quite alright with me.
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