An open letter to my greatest teacher: My Baby

August 4, 2018

Dear wise one,

As you may or may not know, we are a day shy of 23 weeks pregnant. In relation to produce, you are the size of a large mango these days, and you will only increase in size over the remaining weeks you spend in utero. As far as I am concerned, I am also increasing in size; both in my physical and spiritual bodies. I, of course, have you to thank for both of those. My name still remains “Jess” to those who know me, but you will know me under a different name. This is more like a title, one that I will gain solely thanks to you promoting me to “Mom”, and I cannot thank you enough for that.

I spent countless hours pre-pregnancy wondering what it would “look like” when I became a mom. To be quite honest, I spent my entire life pre-pregnancy wrapped up in how things did or would “look”. However, now that I am in the preliminary stages of Mom-hood, I spend every waking moment fantasizing about what it will feel like to be your mom. But in order for me to fall into the fluffy clouds of daydream, I first need to be honest with both you and with myself and say that I have never been more scared of anything in my life. I say this, because I am about to walk into the most vulnerable truth, which will soon define my life: it is not your job to love me, it is my job to love you. I am voluntarily walking into the arena, exposing myself to all that comes with this depth of love, all the while knowing that I am owed nothing from you, but it is my life’s calling to give you all of me. With that being said, I want you to know how honored I am to fight for you, and how grateful I will always be knowing that you entrusted me to be your mom. I can tell you that I will never be perfect, and I will continue to make mistakes, but I will never lose sight of the immense gift that is this challenge.

I am coming to terms with the fact that you will face challenges and struggles in your life that are out of my control. I am learning to accept this through the process of letting go of trying to control this pregnancy. But I also understand that regardless of those battles you will face, I am responsible for showing you that you are worthy of love and belonging. This is where I begin to struggle with reality, because in order to give you that, I first need to give it to myself, and that is not something that comes natural to me. So I am working really hard every day to live my most authentic life, so that when the time comes for you to live yours, you can have a living, breathing reference point to back up all of my “talks”. I understand that I cannot give you anything I do not have. I cannot give you a healthy body image if I do not show you what that looks like, I cannot show you bravery if I am not willing to be vulnerable, and I cannot give you unconditional love if I do not give it to myself first. These are just a few of the things that I will continue to work on for the remainder of my life, so please accept my apologies when I slip-up, because I will do that often. I promise to forgive myself so that you can see that we all make mistakes, and we are not defined by those moments.

There is so much mystery that is attached to you, my beautiful baby Buddha. Will you have your daddy’s beautiful blue eyes, or his endearing dimples? What about your hair color, will you be a redhead like your mommy, with the fiery personality to match? I could go on for hours about possible DNA mash-ups. Hell, we don’t even know if you are going to be a boy or a girl. It is almost as if you and I are pen-pals. We have an undeniable connection, we know what feels like so much about each other, yet I have yet to see you with my own eyes, and the anticipation over our first glance is electric. But within the wonder, and the mystery, is something that your daddy and I know for certain, you are going to be the center of our universe. You will change our lives in ways we didn’t even know possible, and we will fall deeper in love with you with every passing day. You are my greatest teacher, my biggest inspiration, and I love you with all that I am and all that I will be. Thank you for your teachings; I promise to continue to do my homework.

All My Love for All of Time,

Mom xoxo

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